Asian-English is an art. And, once perfected, can lighten up a completely other side of life. It really is quite ingenious. Ah, but what is Asian-English, I hear you ask? It’s the combination of English, with just the hint of Asian, and an accent (the stronger the better). If you have those three, you are well on your way to mastering this ancient language.
To begin, the most important lesson you’ll learn is this: the only pronoun you’ll ever have to use is ‘me.’ You can probably forget ‘am’ as well, but it’s a small sacrifice to make. Asian-English is all about the simplification of language, while trying to convey maximum meaning. Image trying to cut a sentence down to 3–5 words. If you can do that, you are halfway there to becoming an Asian-English student. It can be rather poetic, similar to a Haiku.
Example:
English: “I like big butts and I cannot lie. You other brothers can’t deny. That when a girl walks in with an itty-bitty waist. And a round thing in your face.”
Asian-English: Big butts, good. (Optional: Big butts, me likey.)
This brings me to my next point: if there is a chance to pluralise, do it. It’s quite simple. Just add an ‘s’ to the end of your choice of verb or noun. This will give your sentences that added depth, almost as if you are layering another level of meaning onto your already insightful words. Sometimes it may be necessary to rearrange your sentence structure. Be do not fret—put your mind into that of Yoda, and you’ll be alright. Then, ensure you remember the previous rules, and you may almost be ready for a conversation.
Examples: “Me loves you,” “Me likes chicken” “Me wants toilet, you have?”
So far, the language has been predominantly… English. Many may be wondering where the small portion of Asian comes in. This next advice is learnt from my wonderful mother. She often substitutes her ‘version’ of English words into sentences, giving it a distinct Asian flavour. For example: The microwave is referred to as ‘ding’, cheese ‘cheesey’, and cat ‘meow’. I must admit, some of these are the actual Chinese words for those things, but regardless, they make great additions to your sentences.
To gain an authentic accent, takes a little work. But there are some cheats. Replace all your ‘l’ sounds with ‘r’ to gain an instant change. For example: “me rove (love) you” and “Harro (Hello)”. This approach can also be applied to your ‘t’s by substituting them with ‘s’ sounds. Examples: “sank (thank) you.” Obviously, like any language, there are limitations to the rule—words like ‘table,’ ‘truth’ and ‘not guilty’ should probably remain the same. In addition, caution must be taken. There is a fine line between gaining an Asian-English accent and sounding like Scooby Doo.
And finally, one must fill one’s repertoire of Asian-English with commonly used phrases. Here are a few you may have heard: “love you long time”, “hello kitty” and “crouching tiger, hidden dragon”. Just insert any of these into your conversation and no one will know the difference. Of course, when you have mastered this language, you will discover many other interesting sayings. My personal favourite, “Where’s the cat?”
Asian-English is an art. Its perfection however, lies not with the technique, but with its use. I must admit, I fool no one with my Asian-English, so perhaps I am not the best example. Regardless, you now have the tools to spread this amazing language. So, love you long time? No.
Love you Wong time.