Asexuality is actually quite a hard thing to understand. Especially considering it’s so simple. Asexuals simply don’t feel the need for sex. That’s basically it. But with just how hyper-sexualised the modern world is, it seems to be quite easy to balk at. There is some natural twinge within you (well, within me at least, I’ll be honest) to immediately jump to ‘Nah, you can’t not like sex. Maybe they’re just not doing it right.’
There is a reason that all the FAQs online about asexuality begin with questions like ‘I just don’t see how asexuals can be close to anyone. How can you have a relationship without sex?’ We as a society are so programmed to look for the sexy in everything that it becomes rather hard to conceive of people whose brains don’t automatically jump brain tracks to dirty town. Luckily this seems to be changing. Asexuality seems to be coming into fashion. Stephen Fry just outed himself as asexy. Apparently there is even one on Shortland Street these days. So as the blossoming flower of the asexuality movement comes into the public sun, it seems like as good a time as any to get the basics down about our cuddly friends: asexuals.
So, uh, how many people are asexual? Like heaps? Or none?
One in every hundred people is asexual, some sources say (and we have no real reason to disbelieve them). Which means that someone on your street is probably asexual. Try to work out who it is.
Could I, uh, I mean, could someone be asexual without knowing?
Well, it is possible, but it would be kinda hard to miss. The basic base level definition of asexuality is someone who simply isn’t interested by the idea of sex as a physical exercise.
That sounds dumb.
You’re pretty close-minded it seems.
Nah, I mean just… It… Nah. I mean, how do you… y’know, with a person if you can’t get a bit of the old how’s your father?
There are many different ways to be intimate that don’t involve taking your clothes off and doing mime trampolining. There is a really interesting (if at points a little sociopathic) series of blogs at asexualunderground.blogspot.com about how to take your conversations to the next level of intimacy. Also, hugging. Some people say hugging is overrated. That is clearly because they don’t hug enough people. Or have razors for arms.
So, do asexuals just spend their whole lives alone staring deep into the ocean of the lonely that is slowly drowning this world?
I think you need to talk to someone about your feelings. But, anyway, asexuals do lack a sex drive, but that does not mean they lack a romance drive. They can form relationships. They even get married. They sleep in the same bed. They just don’t bone. Not even on the phone. Asexuals can run the gamut of sexual orientation from queer to straight, from bi to dry.
Hmmm. So, uh, I think, uh, my friend is asexual and, uh, I… THEY… They want to find out more?
Well, www.asexuality.org is the home of AVEN (the Asexual Visibility and Education Network), which is the place to go for some good general info and interesting forums. Asexuality Aotearoa has information on how to meet asexuals around New Zealand.
Oh, cheers. My… my friend will real appreaciate that.
All G.