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Apocalypse to happen next Wednesday – the fight to end all fights

Gonzo the News Mole



Psychics from across the world agree that the end is nigh, and that the apocalypse is upon us. Next Wednesday the culmination of the Zombie army of doom, the now apparent arrival of alien hordes that have as predicted allied with the Zombie Army, will result in the fight to end all fights.
The Zombies in a not so shocking move started their march towards America on Sunday afternoon. Some say this was an affront to the still missing god, but others just say it seems like a good idea. This culminated with the launch of the A-Team in New Zealand, a Zombie political group driven by insanity and a love for all things un PC, while the full scale arrival of aliens began over the skies of Wichita in America.
The Zombie army that has so far moved through Russia in both directions towards England and though the wastes toward Alaska have destroyed everything in its path, creating even more Zombies. Upon the morning of Tuesday they had broken across the sea and had landed on American soil in Alaska, while the aliens had brokered a deal with Rasputin the self styled leader of the Zombies, and his adjunct Ozzy Osbourne.
In a shock move, the Four Horsemen who are currently heralded as Europe’s most up and coming Death Metal bands and not well noted for their philanthropy, offered to do a benefit concert in Madison Square Gardens with all the proceeds going to a combined UN defence force to bolster the borders of countries that have stalled the Zombies. Noticeably the Zombies have had difficulty in getting past French Candia and the Inuit people of northern Alaska, as well as coming to loggerheads in the Western fringe of Eastern Europe, with Sarajevo being a hard obstacle. Elvis was sent on a deep cover mission and lost contact with his superiors, but has resurfaced in the old eastern block brining grave tidings. Like the great conscription machine that Russia once was, the Zombie armies as well as Alien accomplices have seized many nuclear power plants in a move to create Zombiefying death clouds to infect the populace of Europe and America. Elvis has gone back under deep cover to thwart this evil plan with great hopes of results.
In other news the Hillbilly Militia has been instrumental in the stemming of the Zombie tide both in Canada and in Eastern Europe.
In an unheard of display of unity the United Nations has upgraded the Hillbillies status to recognised military force, as well as bolstering their ranks with both their own soldiers in a move that some have questioned. Possibilities about the U.N and secret experiments to create an army of Super Soldiers have been laid aside in a bizarre move by many cynics in a move that seems to be the growing unity of all mankind towards stopping the end of man as the dominant race on the face of the earth.
It seems that the entire world is waiting with bated breath to see if the insurgence of Zombie sized proportions will choke us into submission, or to see if the Aliens will have the final say. On this final note it seems that the alien Hordes are attempting to poison the water supply of major nations. It is at this point we must remind the great people of New Zealand to be weary and look back to our early issues that discussed how the apocalypse will affect you, and remember there isn’t a force in the Universe that will stop solid shot. This will have to tie you over till the brave scientists and military find the most effective way to kill of these slimy green bastards [ed: They’re actually grey, but who’s counting].
People, we ask you all to stand strong in the face of this horrific tide and face the masses, stop their agents (the A-Team) and win the fight for humanity.
Psychics say the final battle may occur in the Gobi desert, though accounts of why are unclear. Some believe that the true battle will be here in New Zealand on the slopes of Mt Ruapehu, which we can only hope will not happen, but who’s to say. One thing is known, the hero that will represent the evil that is the Zombie army is yet to reveal itself; we can only hope that the Zombies have not found a way to resurrect Bruce Lee, otherwise Elvis may be screwed. Keep your eyes open, and your guns near by, G.N.M will try to keep you updated, but our desires to go out in a drug fuelled orgy may conflict with this.
G.N.M, the mouth of the apocalypse.

Voltron Joins the Second Front
Long thought to have returned home to his natural habitat in MT Fuji, Voltron the great Japanese robot warlord has returned and journeyed north to Finland to end the madness created by Optimus Prime and the other Transformers.
Voltron who has said little save that ‘the Transformers have lost great honour like Godzilla, and must be put to an end. I will journey north to do my sacred duty and help humanity, like they once did. I only hope my return is not too late’. Has moved swiftly north, dispatching with a small entourage of aliens and Zombie foot soldiers who made their way to North Korea, has arrived in Finland and was last seen returning to the destroyed village of Espoo in an attempt to find the rather illusive robots. The people of Finland engaged in an impromptu celebration as this old school warlord of unimaginable power, who took the display with that of the samurai grace that was second to none.
G.N.M only hopes that Voltron can dispatch with the Transformers before they become allied with the Zombies as they threatened to do only months ago. This is the coming of the end people, a time for hope, alcohol and hookers. G.N.M… off to get wasted.