Tattoo the entire National Party constitution onto my back
Shit in my hands, then clap
Scroll back through my ex-boyfriend’s Instagram feed and like a post from Corfu ‘06
Funnel two boxes of discounted goon into my ass
Remove each and every one of my own toenails with rusty pliers
Willingly upload my own nudes to 4chan
Proposition my boyfriend’s parents for a threesome
Reenact 2 girls 1 cup (solo)
Exclusively refer to my lecturer as “Daddy” for the duration of the semester
Perform a 72hr one-woman-show of Shakespeare’s works in its entirety
Write for Salient without a pseudonym
Rail a fuck-tonne of speed then attend a meditation class
Drink a litre of laxatives then initiate anal with an anonymous Tinder hook up
Listen to three hours of first-year spoken-word poetry
Get fingered by by that guy wearing a fedora in my CompSci class that clearly hasn’t cut his nails since ‘03